Parenting with consistency and strength
By Robert Zajac, MD, Pediatrics
Article originally published in Wishing You Well, the Glencoe Regional Health Services e-newsletter and used with permission. To subscribe or learn more, visit www.grhsonline.org.
I recently gave two presentations about parenting the misbehaving child. The fact that more than 150 people attended suggests it’s a hot topic. Indeed, most parents in my pediatrics practice report feeling overwhelmed to some degree by misbehavior in their children. They feel a loss of control and authority. I get it! Many of you know I have eight children of my own, and I’m far from the perfect parent. I make exactly the same mistakes.
So I’ve been thinking about how I can better apply the principles of disciplined, consistent parenting in my own life. If you attended one of my presentations, you’ll remember them:
1) Children need some rules (not too few, and not too many).
2) Children need to understand the rule in an age appropriate manner. The words used and expectations of the rule are critical, because the child needs to really know the rule.
3) Once the child understands the rule, parents need to enforce the rule 100% of the time.
4) Never change your rule because of the child’s behavior. This could also be called “picking and choosing your battles” and it is one of the biggest parenting mistakes.
Children will explore their world, test rules as they learn about cause and effect, and at almost every developmental stage they will seek to bring themselves pleasure (rewards) whenever the option sits in front of them. When the reward is a greater temptation than the “punishment” of parental displeasure, the child will choose the reward 99 times out of 100. It is normal for them to do so, and we make the same decisions as adults.
Every time I see one of my own children misbehaving, I ask myself the same question and come up with the same answer: “Why does Thomas only drink chocolate milk? Because I ALLOW him to only drink chocolate milk.” It is a choice I’ve made that it is easier for me to give chocolate milk. What a mistake it would be if I told Thomas he needed to drink water, and then he ended up with chocolate milk anyway. The truth is that almost always, kids misbehave because we let them. Unfortunately, by the time we recognize the pattern, children have had weeks/months/years to develop their misbehaving habit, practicing and getting really good at it!
During my commute, I frequently listen to messages from a pastor I respect. Occasionally his teachings include parenting discussions, and to this day one of his phrases sits in my heart and guides much of what I teach parents. He said that when a child knows the rules and defies them anyway, then the parent must win that battle of wills, and win it decisively! This means you cannot negotiate, overlook or otherwise explain away your child’s opposition because you are tired or lazy or overwhelmed. When your child defies you, you must win that battle decisively. Your child needs to leave the encounter with a deeply rooted feeling that he or she never, ever wants to have a battle like that again. This is the first step to teaching a child to respect authority. Picking and choosing battles means the parents pick the rule and hope not to battle, but if the child chooses a battle, the parent will win the battle every single time. This is the mindset of a consistent and loving parent who can either prevent the development of misbehaving children, or begin the process of reversing that course.
Everyone makes mistakes. I know I do. But good parents make fewer mistakes than the bad parents do, and good parents are committed to doing the work required to reverse the parenting mistakes they made before they knew better. You can be a good parent. The easiest first step is to set just one rule that is easy for your child to understand and easy for you to enforce. Use this first “new” rule as the gateway to reestablishing parental authority. By building on your first success, and never “picking and choosing your battles,” and winning decisively, your misbehaving child can be on the road to understanding their place in the home.
Teaching children to respect authority and make good choices in the home allows them to develop the skills necessary to be successful out of the home, today and into their future adult lives. What an awesome gift to give our most beloved children!